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| hello, xanga friends.
i am alive.
my baby boy is here,
he is precious,
and i love him more than anything.
river jeremiah.
i had a lovely homebirth,
and now i'm a birth fanatic.
not like i want to give birth all the time.
but i want to empower women to know their birthing choices.
i'm blogging elsewhere.
i think xanga and i are done for now.
for good, probably.
but i still visit because well it brings me back.
it's like visiting an old friend!
i don't know what else to write.
farewell, but know that you can always find me here,
where i am blogging and will stay:
www.leavesofmytree.blogspot.com
and here, where there are plenty of videos of my new babe:
www.youtube.com/user/whitneycanales
goodnight, xanga. thanks for the memories. | | |
| People keep asking me how I feel. Actually, they've been asking me how I've felt since the week we found out I was pregnant. And the answers haven't changed much. I mean, in my first trimester, the general answer was "like I'm going to puke," except, maybe put more eloquently. Now, the general answer is, "back to normal." Do they want more details? Because I can give them more details. I could go on and on about how I sleep until 11am and feel dead by 10pm, about my uterus stretching and muscles hurting, about my backache, about my dire need to be drinking water at all times, about the headaches I get when I'm hungry, about how I pee every hour during the day, etc. etc... Yes, I can give you details.
But I won't. So, plan on the response for at least the next two months to be "back to normal," until I can't breathe or see my feet anymore. Because right now, back to normal means I don't feel like I'm going to throw up on your shoes. | | |
| i'm good.
not like, morally.
i guess morally i'm pretty good too.
haha.
but i mean,
i'm really content.
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i'm very happy lately. [joyful, i guess i should say, but that just sounds so cheesy and christian.] i'm the happiest i've ever been, i think. maybe that's a sign that i'm right where i'm supposed to be. i've always had the tendency to be depressed and pessimistic, even when i was a kid, and even this time last year i was struggling with being down, off and on. [i'm sure much of this can be linked to selfishness, and i've learned a lot about life and god and people in the past year, which is probably why i'm not so obsessed with looking at my own problems and feeling sorry for myself.]
i've seen god as more amazing than i ever have before. i admit, i still have just as hard of a time with reading my bible [to tell you the truth, i can't remember the last time i actually sat down and poured over the bible] and i'm not just saying this to say the right thing, but i really truly believe that reading the bible is important, and that it shouldn't be replaced with christian books and speakers. but, at the same time, i will say that i have read a lot more christian books lately and have had the pleasure of coming into contact with some amazing, genuine jesus-followers, and i think that is definitely one of the reasons i'm seeing god in, not a different light, but - more of who he really is, i guess. i said a while ago that throughout life, little bits of who god is are revealed to us through experiences and "revelations" and i still believe this, and i'm so thankful for the bits of god that have been revealed to me the past year. i see him as so much more beautiful, powerful than i've ever seen him. i'm seeing that as i worship him, it's not just "worship," just singing and trying to "feel" the words, trying to experience something spiritual, but i really am in awe of him, so much so that i often find myself shaking my head in disbeliefe at his beauty and power and wisdom.
i'm just going to leave by saying if you haven't read the irresistible revolution by shane claiborne, please, start reading it now. it's the most amazing book i've read and it changed my perspective on so many things, it's made me love more and see what god is about, the message of peace jesus brought that so many people misinterpret. i was talking about it briefly with a friend the other day and he was saying how it changed his life, and it's the one book he would tell people to read, through any situation in their life. [again, i feel the need to say this, the bible is our lifesource, and it can be replaced with no other piece of literature- this is outside of that.] i was surprised, yet not, to hear him say that, because i feel the same way. i can't stress how important i think it is for everyone to read this book.
anyway, i'm not really sure how to end this. i felt the need to write and it all came out like a tangled ball of string, and so i'm going to have to awkwardly say goodbye. so, goodbye.
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i'm reading old posts, and well, i made it through. i tend to live in the past though, and that can't be good. i was reading the screwtape letters the other day and in it lewis writes that the demon says one of the things they do to pull humans further away from god and their purpose and the truth of things is get them to think about the past, and how good things were, and how much they miss that life, or to think about the future, and how much they want something else. anything but living and thinking in the present.
and i realize i think about the past. all the time. i bring myself to tears thinking about how things used to be. i think about my grandmother and her old house, and my old house, and my dad's old house in new york, and walking around in the teeny shabby town of rome up there in new york, and snow, and the attic where i'd find old toys and baby clothes, and sharing a bed with my sisters, and playing on the deck with my brother and pretending it was a house, and playing on the swingset and pretending it was a boat, and spending christmas with my family, and watching the kids open their presents, and watching those movies over and over, and giving my little sisters a bath, and eating dinner with the family, and talking with friends i haven't seen in years, and drawing all the time, and going to school, and talking with my mom outside until it got so late, and eating those frozen jimmy dean sausage buiskits at my grandma's, and playing with her dogs, and exploring her acre of land, and staying up past my bedtime watching tv, and chatting with friends on the computer, and having sleep-overs, and trying to look pretty, and i think and think until i grow to hate where i am now, even though where i am now is such a beautiful, new place, but that's the reason i think i hate it, because it's so new, and i want the old and familiar and comfortable, and i end up crying because i know there's nothing i can ever do to bring any of it back.
no, that can't be good. so i'm trying to get over it.
  this is my beautiful baby sister. i wish i could reach out and touch her cheek. she's so small for her age, and she loves to create things and out of all my siblings, she's most like me. i miss her so much my heart hurts. i don't know exactly who she is, and i'm used to knowing exactly who they are, and that kills me. i want her back. | | |
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